It's been a while. I've been missing in action. Once again I stopped exercising. From then till now I tried getting back to exercising, more precisely walking. Every time I began walking, I would continue for a few days and if, for any reason, I couldn't make it on any day, then it would be enough to just stop going altogether. I always had excuses. I slept late last night was the most common one, followed by I have to go to work early today.
All the while, my desire to lose weight never diminished. But neither did my apathy towards exercise.
About a year ago I think I gave up on my desire to lose weight. I accepted that I was going to remain overweight for the rest of my life. Somehow it felt good. I kept thinking that this should pinch me. I should feel bad about having given up. But neither did it pinch me nor did I feel bad.
I work in Theatre. I'm an actor and an acting coach. All around me I saw people taking efforts to maintain themselves. That includes exercising to stay within the age-appropriate weight zone. They discussed their exercising patterns, healthy eating habits with me as well. And yet, it didn't affect me at all. It was as if I had given up.
Then, a few days ago, out of blue a friend started talking to me of how he's going to the gym and how I should too. He was quite persistent. I told him that one tow occasions previously I had paid gym fees and not gone enough and thus wasted my money. I was afraid that history would repeat itself. He said I could join only for a month and try to be regular. If, after that I felt I could continue, I could join for one more month or three months. He suggested I go slow till I become completely sure. He assured me that if I went to the gym when he goes, I'd have company and encouragement. Finally, just to make him stop talking, I said that I would go and enquire.
Three days passed and I still hadn't enquired. He never followed up on me. So that wasn't a problem. I just tried to push it aside. But somehow the thought kept coming back. It niggled at me till I finally decided to just go and enquire, and not join if I didn't feel like it.
So day-before yesterday I went and enquired. Its a little expensive to enrol only for one month as compared to the heavy discount I would get if I enrolled for a year. The gym was very good. Lots of latest equipment. They said I could have a one-day trial pass before I committed. I said I'd take the trial the next day i.e. yesterday.
But once I walked out of there, my resolve vanished. All the way home I kept thinking about how horrible I would look (I'm 20 kilos overweight for my height), how I'd not be able to do those exercises and disappoint myself etc. etc. I was trying to bring myself to a point of not joining. Still, I was beginning to feel a little hopeful too. So I asked P, my husband, if he would ensure that I made it to the gym every day. He agreed...and began by pushing me to go for the trial. I said I'd go at 10 a.m. Then the next morning i.e. yesterday morning I told him I'd be going at 11 a.m. He complained but allowed the change. Later I said I'd go at 3 p.m. Then he warned me. I said I did plan on going. At 3 p.m. he just pointed out the time to me. I promptly left for the gym. As I was driving to the gym, all my previous thoughts resurfaced...but I kept driving anyway.
Once I reached there I confessed to the instructor that he would have to teach me everything right from the basics...even how to use the machines. He was very kind and led me through the exercise routine gently but firmly. I started feeling better and more comfortable. Sometimes you just need a bit of kindness. As I finished up the workout, I thanked him and enrolled for a month.
As I returned home I sent a photo of my membership card to my friend. He promptly replied that he was very proud of me and very happy for me. He said he was sure I'd be able to do everything quite well and asked me to be slow but steady :)
This is quite a long account of how I finally joined a gym after refusing to do something about my weight for so long. Why am I recording all these details ? So that I remember each and every thought and emotion I go through in the process and can discard those thoughts that will block my journey to becoming fit.
I'm not going to write about the exact workouts in detail...maybe the weight changes, maybe lessons learnt along the way...but certainly all the thoughts and emotions...especially the ones harmful to my goal.
Gradually I am also shifting to healthier eating habits and regular sleep times. I also want to document my progress on those fronts.
My legs and arms are hurting no matter how I sit or stand or move or don't move. BUT, I will go to the gym today.
Oh, and lesson learnt today: Don't eat or Eat light before going to the gym.
That's all for today. See you tomorrow.
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